Lessons That I Have Learned: Do Not Have A Girlfriend In College

I have often been asked, “If you could go back and do things different, would you?”  And the answer is “Fuck yes.”  One of the main things I would have done differently was not to have a girlfriend in college, especially one that was still in high school.  I made the mistake of falling in love with one of the first girls to familiarize herself with my junk, and I paid for it dearly.  Let me explain…

      Let me start off by saying that she was crazy…batshit crazy…. and not hot enough to warrant that level of craziness.  She would have to be hotter than Megan Fox to be that crazy.  I apparently had unlocked a subconscious chamber of secrets that created a suicidal Jekyll/Hyde that was all about my nuts.  One minute we’d be laughing on the phone, the next she ‘d have downed 30 Tylenol in an attempt to “dull the pain.”  This made giong out on the weekends extremely difficult.  She would call me at 5 am on a Sunday to tell me that I didn’t care about her.  At 5 am, I cared about nobody except getting over the SoCo-induced head-throbbing coma is was in.  No girls in my dorm would consider a hook-up with me because from 500 miles away, my “girlfriend” was cock-blocking me.  She even decided to attend college down the road from me, so we could be together.  I broke up with her a week later, and she dropped out.  Does that make me a dick? Oh well…

     Trying to maintain a girl back home and a girl in college will always backfire.  Every girlfriend back home wants to visit you in college, and when she does, she will inevitably run into your “college girl.”  Having a girlfriend in college is nothing more than a distraction from the effort you need to put into getting with other college girls.  Oh sure, the thought of consistent bed-dancing is nice, but depending on the size of your campus and your personal level of awesomeness, you should be able to score at least once a week, which is what most committed college students end up getting anyways.  The best thing to do if find a “friend-with-benefits” that does not want a relationship, but rather just to screw when the night doesn’t pan out, and won’t stalk you on IM or Facebook.  Also, college girlfriends are usually whores, but that’s for another lesson.

   Also, stay single your senior year.  For one, this allows you flexibility when you graduate to live in NYC, Boston, LA, your mom’s basement, without ridicule.  Do not, as I did, allow your “girlfriend” to convince you to live together because rent will be cheaper.  It is a lie.  It is cheaper to be single and living at home than to take the first step of moving in.  First, she will want to live in a nice apartment (about $600-700/mo), then she’ll need new furniture for the apartment, not the F&F futon you puked on junior year ($400-1500).  Don’t forget cable and internet, with HBO ($120/mo).  Now ask yourself, how much would mom and dad charge me? Exactly.  And cable is free. 

    Another reason to stay single senior year:  Freshmen girls.  Case in point:  I was taking a freshman Chemistry class for the science requirement I needed during my senior year.  In said class, was this petite brunette with a tight little behind and rockin’ boobage.  It was leaked to me through various acquiantances that  I was her “eye-candy.”  I happened to run across her at a fraternity party that I was attending with my girlfriend (gag).  While I was alone, she came up,  danced with me seductively, and said, “Too bad you have a girlfriend.”  I was a ball-hair away from breaking up with said GF right there.  Long-story short, freshman girls dig senior guys, because you can buy them Zimas, and I’ll gladly trade a six-pack of Zimas for some 18-yr old tang any day of the year.