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The Law of Large Numbers

Meeting girls is really about the law of large numbers. As perhaps my top wingman to date described to me once, “Yes, I may always go home with someone when we are out at the bar. But what you don’t see, is that I talk to a good 20 or 30 girls in the place and get shot down by most of them.” Yes, meeting girls is about the law of large numbers. Sure, some of you less educated readers may think that what I really mean is the law of averages. But I assure you, that it is not. Regardless, the law of large numbers is a real thing.

And as with any ridiculous law, be-it a Zion, IL law prohibiting pet owners from giving a lit cigar to their domesticated animals, or the law prohibiting men from winking at women that they are unacquainted with in Ottumwa, IA, I look for ways to bend, or even break them. In the case of the law of large numbers, I think that there is a perfect way to bend the large numbers portion of the law.

“There are four kinds of women who go to the hardware store by themselves. Single, recently single, recently divorced, lesbian who will let me watch. Sorry five. Recently widowed.”

Lets think about this for a moment. The reason that the law of large numbers works is because as your sample size grows (indiscriminate of the quality of the sample, in our case, an available cutlet) so does the probability that you will find a positive result. But, if we take into account the previous statement, we will realize that we don’t have to do as my wingman does and talk to a plethora of girls. No. all we have to do is talk to girls who are by themselves in places that would contribute them to being single.

As such, I have compiled a list of the top places to find and talk to single girls. I am certain that if you follow my guidelines as to where and when you should be going that you will find yourself a hot little number in no time.

• Hardware Store: Naturally you knew that I was going to include this location in my list. As referenced from the quote above, there are five types of girls who will be found by themselves in a hardware store. All of them are potential targets and you should approach cautiously. You never know which one you are going to get.
• Sex and the City Movie Showing: Now I know this may be a little late for some of you out there. The movie has been out for some time, but quite frankly, I wasn’t ready to give up this tasty little tip when it was getting some prime usage by yours truly. Sex and the City, or any other seemingly trashy single female movie is the perfect place to meet a girl who is just that. Female. Trashy. Single. Trust me.
• Massachusetts: While the state is quite possibly the biggest stain on this great nation since New Jersey, West Virginia, and Paris Hilton, the opportunities here are immense. In what other state in the Northeast are you able to witness a lesbian wedding and then go home with both the bride and the pseudo-groom? Without a doubt this is one of your best opportunities for riding the tricycle.
• Speed Dating Event: The epitome of desperate is a woman who has to use gimmicks and schemes, such as speed dating or match.com to find a date. While I would never attend such an event myself, what I would do is show up at the bar shortly before the event is supposed to end. While the pathetic fools who are trying to date these women will have spent a few short moments with them, you have the opportunity to stop one as they are ready to get away from all the losers that they knew they weren’t compatible with.
• Divorce Attorney’s Office: The jackpot of all places to meet a single woman. Without any doubt, you will find a single (or real close to being single) woman here. And, as long as you do your research and know just how good that attorney is, you will know the amount of her settlement. Can you say Jackpot?

Haaaaaaaaave you met, me?

No really, have you?

My friends and I had an impromptu BBQ last night. I was sitting on my balcony with a couple of friends talking about what we were going to do for the night and we decided that we should get some food. Five phone calls, sixteen text messages and two hours later we were dining on some delicious hamburgers, hot dogs and coneys that one of my friends had grilled. Whilst dining on our very American food and throwing back a couple of Sam Adams Summer Ale, we got into a discussion of one of my friends from college.

It is funny because now I look at this guy as the kind of friend that most people would cringe about. At times he can be socially awkward, if you don’t know him he will be a complete asshole, and he really isn’t a man of his word. Now none of these things really have anything to do with the point of this story, but I felt like being a prick and sharing some of his character flaws.

So back to the point of this story, he called me a couple of weeks ago to catch up since we hadn’t talked in a good two months and wanted to see how things were going. I was sharing with him the tales of my recent exploits and he made a comment on how easy it is for me to pick up women. Now I certainly will not argue that fact. I’ve often been compared to a Pablo Picasso, Michaelangelo, or Leonardo di Vinci.

What he said was pretty bold, even for me. His thought was that I didn’t really need to put any effort in to picking up girls at the bar. Now while I would like to think that it really is that easy, I know that I can’t just walk into the bar and “let them smell me” like he thinks should be possible. So after explaining to him that it really doesn’t work like that, he asked me why I hadn’t had a more recent story for him. I apologized for not having an exploit from the previous weekend but made it known that it really wasn’t my fault.

You see, he wasn’t privy to the information that at present I lack a true wingman. And just in case he wasn’t following my line of thought, I had to explain to him how most of the guys that I know around here happen to be dead. They might still be breathing, but they are in some ridiculous sort of committed relationship, be it marriage, girlfriend, cougar, etc., that they really have no opportunity to come out for a night of hitting on and picking up any of the tasty treats that I happen to write about from time to time.

I can hear the cries now that a true artist shouldn’t need any help. And I certainly agree that to a certain extent, I shouldn’t need any assistance. I’ve never needed anyone to hold my hand in my conquests. The problem comes from being that guy at the bar. You all know that guy. You avoid him at the bars because he is there by himself. He is typically at least slightly inebriated and you aren’t really sure where he came from. So, to assure that I do not turn out to be that guy, I at least need to have one or two people at the bar with me.

Dirty Little Office Romance

“I don’t get involved with people I work with.”

I’ll be honest and tell you that I have never been good with my own rules. I’ve always been good about following societal rules, and I don’t think I’ve ever broken the “Bro Code”, but my own rules I tend to interpret quite liberally.

One such rule can be summed up simply as, “Don’t poop where you eat!” I’ve actually made the mistake before. Several years ago, I happened to find myself involved for a roughly two month period with one of the interns at my company. Yes, I know you are thinking of the rumors that just being seen together from time to time could have started… Hot little intern, wearing a short skirt, “lunch breaks” together in my office. Are they really rumors if you start them yourself? And speaking of starting rumors about yourself, is that wrong?

Now, I will neither confirm nor deny those rumors, but the fact of the matter is that I broke my rule of not getting involved with people I work with. Well, the intern has since become a full time employee that I thankfully never have to see, but the situation still remains so that it could certainly be an awkward situation some day. Personally, it doesn’t bother me. It never has. I attribute that to my awesomeness. My point, however, is that while this situation didn’t turn out to be that big of a problem, it certainly could have and I could see myself in the same situation if I’m not careful.

You see, there happens to be another hot little thing that I work with. I’ve only recently become more closely involved with her as she was married when she first came to our company and I have been doing my best to follow my rule. Well now that I have found out that she is most certainly no longer married and from what I can tell has at least a fleeting interest in yours truly, I am once again considering ignoring my ban on becoming involved with people I work with. I’m certain it could be a disaster, but the risk involved is just too exciting not to consider it.

Of or pertaining to tailors and their craft

“Suits are full of joy. They’re sartorial equivalent of a baby’s smile.”

It never ceases to amaze me at just how little some people know about suits when, let’s face it, suits are awesome! There are a few things that you, my sartorially challenged friends, might not know about suits. There are many different styles of suits and typically styles are based around the location of the tailor. Aside from the differences in buttons, there are different styles based on where the tailor happens to be from. American tailors will make suits quite different from Italians or British tailors. For instance, American business suits are a bit more casual than your typical British or Italian suits. And for the record, if a coat has two rows of buttons on the front it is considered double breasted. One row, single breasted.

Your typical American suit has moderate shoulder padding, a single vent, and minimally tapered sides. An American suit is a bit more trendy than your other classifications. They show that you like to impress but that you aren’t too concerned with some of the more classical and conservative styles that are available.

British suits, on the other hand, typically have minimal shoulder padding, moderately tapered sides and typically have two vents. Personally, I find British suits to look a bit more ridiculous than your American or Italian suits. But really, how much more ridiculous can the Brits get? Their fashion trends include wearing too much red, rarely brushing their teeth and a penchant for wigs of white curly hair.

Italian suits, in my not-so-humble opinion, happen to be the crème de la crème of the suit world. They are characterized typically by strongly padded shoulders, strongly tapered sides and typically have no vents. And for those of you curious about what a vent is, it would be the opening in the back of a jacket.

Understanding the intricate differences amongst the different styles of suits will not only improve your sartorial knowledge, it will get you laid. Trust me. The ladies love it when a man knows how to dress and when a man chooses the right style suit for his figure.

Think of your suit as the male equivalent of the little black cocktail dress. Every woman owns one. Every woman thinks she looks good in the one she has, but you and I both know that some women should not be wearing their little black cocktail dress. If the dress doesn’t compliment the womans body, she is going to be the laughing stock of the cocktail party and the same can be said of a suit. This is why, it is important to spend the extra money and purchase a custom tailored suit. You’ll thank me later.

Ohhhhhhhh

Yes, that was the sound of me browsing a certain social networking website the other evening. I’ve found that social networking websites are an easy way of meeting girls. I’m not sure why it is, but for some reason girls seem to be more open on those websites than a two dollar hookers legs. I don’t know if I can find an easier way of finding girls than on social networking websites.

You can browse through all the girls in your particular network and determine who you just wouldn’t be compatible.

30? Off the list.
Crazy, liberal, vegan goth? Goodbye.
Lack of tramp stamp? Cut.
Overweight? Lose her.

I’m sure you are picking up what I’m laying down. So it was the other night as I was running a quick search on a particular social networking website for girls who were single, between the ages of 18 and 29 and happened to be looking for something. I happened across an attractive blonde who seemed to fit most of the categories. I’d give her about a 7 on a scale of 10. No where near my finest score, but still would have been worth the effort of a few clicks. I zeroed in on some of her photos. A couple of tattoos here and there that just screamed total slut and I figured that this would be so simple.

And then, I had that Ohhhhhhh moment. As I was examining a photo of her tramp stamp (which was one of those awful tribal designs that only mean, “Target”), I did a double take and just went Ohhhhhhh before closing out of her page. In the background of her photo was the picture of a baby sitting in a high chair reaching out for his mother who happened to be showing off her tramp stamp for the camera.

Single mother, under the age of 30, tramp stamp, small child in the photo; total slut. She probably has daddy issues too.

Been down that road before…

A wise man once said, there are only two reasons to ever date a girl again; implants.

However, there are still some deal-breakers that you must be weary of in case said girl does in fact get implants.

• She has a kid: While her new ‘kids’ are the talk of the town, her whiney little brat is not. Nothing says ‘Goodbye’ quite like a two year old jumping on the bed in the middle of the night.
• Cuddle factor: Being that you were once in a relationship with this girl, it might seem okay to cuddle with her instead of kicking her out of your apartment. NO! On the contrary, this could not be a bigger mistake. The only thing that cuddling says is, “Do you want to sit under a blanket on the couch, watch ‘The Notebook’ and not get some?” I didn’t think so.
• She still won’t give it up: Just because the package is a couple pounds heavier, it isn’t a better package if you still can’t open it. That is like going to a bar and not being able to drink a beer; japan and not meeting some awesome stripper that is also a member of the gymnastics team; a wedding and not being able to sleep with one of the bridesmaids. You get the idea. It isn’t worth it.

So if you were thinking about getting back together with that girl simply because she has some new attributes, think again. With the number of girls who are getting implants these days, recent polls have shown that 42.3% of women between the ages of 19 and 26 have implants, you are bound to find another one who you haven’t dated before.