True story.
In our bodies, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland.
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Regarding the Law of Large Numbers
Posted on March 26th, 2009 No commentsNow, despite what he may think at times, I rarely disagree with Ted. Mostly, I do it because it generally amuses me and those around me. There are a few topics, however, on which we will always fundamentally disagree, but that is a conversation for another time.
From a female perspective, despite Bro status, I have a few comments, addendums, if you will, regarding the list of top places to find and talk to single girls.
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The Hardware store: Be cautious upon your approach. If a female is at a hardware store, she is not the kind of pathetic needy chick who will acquiesce to any ill thought out line. If she was, she would most likely have called someone else to fix whatever it was, and would not be there in the first place. She is likely there because she doesn’t need someone else to assist her and can handle herself. Therefore, some line such as ‘call me if you need anything’ won’t work in this situation. She can probably nail your nuts to the wall in a way you won’t like. Now, if she has an ‘I’m lost and I don’t know what I am doing and I might cry in a second if someone doesn’t help me’ look on her face, go for it. Just be warned- she might be a bit too needy and might not go away when you want her to.
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Sex and the City Movie Showing: I never saw it. I refused. In any event, chick flicks have potential, if you select the correct one. This will require a bit of reading up before you try it. Only pick movies that are not man-hater movies. This will guarantee getting shut down. Sappy movies that have a happy ending, especially if the lead character was swept off her feet by the guy that she thought was an ass in the beginning are what you are looking for. These movies make single women looking for a man hopeful and forgiving of initial flaws.
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Massachusetts: This is the greatest state in the Union. Ted must have been ‘eating a sandwich’ when he wrote his comments. The least among women in Massachusetts are far greater than any other, just because of where they were raised. If you want to find an awesome chick- go to Massachusetts.
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Speed Dating Event: This is a good idea. See? I told you I don’t always disagree with Ted. Although, the quality of most women you might find there is questionable. I suppose it would depend on the location. Ok, I guess I sort of agree with Ted.
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Divorce Attorney’s Office: Women getting divorced are hurt, angry, and jaded, or have come to the conclusion that men are simply worthless assholes. Beware.
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Lessons That I Have Learned: Do Not Have A Girlfriend In College
Posted on March 19th, 2009 No commentsI have often been asked, “If you could go back and do things different, would you?” And the answer is “Fuck yes.” One of the main things I would have done differently was not to have a girlfriend in college, especially one that was still in high school. I made the mistake of falling in love with one of the first girls to familiarize herself with my junk, and I paid for it dearly. Let me explain…
Let me start off by saying that she was crazy…batshit crazy…. and not hot enough to warrant that level of craziness. She would have to be hotter than Megan Fox to be that crazy. I apparently had unlocked a subconscious chamber of secrets that created a suicidal Jekyll/Hyde that was all about my nuts. One minute we’d be laughing on the phone, the next she ‘d have downed 30 Tylenol in an attempt to “dull the pain.” This made giong out on the weekends extremely difficult. She would call me at 5 am on a Sunday to tell me that I didn’t care about her. At 5 am, I cared about nobody except getting over the SoCo-induced head-throbbing coma is was in. No girls in my dorm would consider a hook-up with me because from 500 miles away, my “girlfriend” was cock-blocking me. She even decided to attend college down the road from me, so we could be together. I broke up with her a week later, and she dropped out. Does that make me a dick? Oh well…
Trying to maintain a girl back home and a girl in college will always backfire. Every girlfriend back home wants to visit you in college, and when she does, she will inevitably run into your “college girl.” Having a girlfriend in college is nothing more than a distraction from the effort you need to put into getting with other college girls. Oh sure, the thought of consistent bed-dancing is nice, but depending on the size of your campus and your personal level of awesomeness, you should be able to score at least once a week, which is what most committed college students end up getting anyways. The best thing to do if find a “friend-with-benefits” that does not want a relationship, but rather just to screw when the night doesn’t pan out, and won’t stalk you on IM or Facebook. Also, college girlfriends are usually whores, but that’s for another lesson.
Also, stay single your senior year. For one, this allows you flexibility when you graduate to live in NYC, Boston, LA, your mom’s basement, without ridicule. Do not, as I did, allow your “girlfriend” to convince you to live together because rent will be cheaper. It is a lie. It is cheaper to be single and living at home than to take the first step of moving in. First, she will want to live in a nice apartment (about $600-700/mo), then she’ll need new furniture for the apartment, not the F&F futon you puked on junior year ($400-1500). Don’t forget cable and internet, with HBO ($120/mo). Now ask yourself, how much would mom and dad charge me? Exactly. And cable is free.
Another reason to stay single senior year: Freshmen girls. Case in point: I was taking a freshman Chemistry class for the science requirement I needed during my senior year. In said class, was this petite brunette with a tight little behind and rockin’ boobage. It was leaked to me through various acquiantances that I was her “eye-candy.” I happened to run across her at a fraternity party that I was attending with my girlfriend (gag). While I was alone, she came up, danced with me seductively, and said, “Too bad you have a girlfriend.” I was a ball-hair away from breaking up with said GF right there. Long-story short, freshman girls dig senior guys, because you can buy them Zimas, and I’ll gladly trade a six-pack of Zimas for some 18-yr old tang any day of the year.
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Vocabulary Lesson
Posted on March 17th, 2009 No commentsBro·ti·ni [bro-tee-nee]
-noun
A martini that is being consumed by a man.
Dude, is Tim drinking a brotini??? Fag…
Bro-Code Notification: A man must never drink a martini in public. Or in private. Unless you are James Bond. And you’re not. To do so will induce harassment by fellow bros, generally being referred to as being “gay”. A man must never enter a martini bar except for the sole purpose of gaining female companionship, in which case the available female:male ratio must meet/exceed 2:1. In which case the man may follow, but must drink pre-approved man-drinks, and has one hour to convince female party-goers to transition to an approved “bro-stablishment.” Otherwise, phone numbers should be exchanged for future rendez-vous, and the quest to gain some Tang must continue elsewhere. If a man is caught ordering a fruit-flavored martini (e.g. “apple-tini”), said man will have his manhood revoked, all accompanying bro-status stripped, and live a life of solitude knowing he has lost all respect from his fellow bros. Castration optional/suggested/preferred.
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The Beginning…
Posted on March 17th, 2009 No commentsThere comes a time in history when a man rises, a man so awesome that he invokes awesome-envy in his fellow man. He has wisdom far greater than any tome ever written, and to hear him speak would bring tears of joy to the listener’s ears. I am The Educator, and today is the beginning of the New Age of Enlightenment. If you take heed to the stories and revelations that I have lay witness to, your life will reach a level of awesomeness that I dare say, will be legendary. So it begins…
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Email conversations
Posted on March 17th, 2009 No commentsFrom Robin:
I made whole wheat pasta with chicken in a lemon garlic sauce Sunday night, so I have that. In fact…I am going to heat that up now and sit here with it and continue to deny everyone. That is what I have been doing for most of the morning. I had one student who wrote an essay about how she was a snickers bar…. but it didn’t really make sense. There was interest potential… but it failed. So sorry…
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General Sickness
Posted on March 10th, 2009 3 commentsJust a little tip, if you ever feel like you are coming down with the flu because you made out with a girl who ended up getting the flu the next day, don’t tell your best friend that you are not a whore even if they call you one. This could lead to a discussion of how many girls you have slept with, and it won’t be pretty because you will end up forgetting at least two if not four of them.
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