Lessons I Have Learned: Break-ups and cheating

Generally when I have been engaged in a conversation with a woman who they themselves are in a relationship (some of you are wondering why, usually it’s because i’m wingman, no other reason), I usually ask how long they’ve been together, and occasionally get the response,”off and on for x amount of years.”  Upon further investigation (and several cocktails later) they divulge indiscretions they endured, either on their part or their boyfriend.  I always wonder why one stays with a person who cheats on them, or why continuous break-ups seem normal to some women. Here are some tips/suggestions/explanations.

Rule 1:  Don’t stay with someone who cheats on you.  All this does is create resentment.  You may forgive, but you never forget.  Every time your girlfriend rejects your advances, you think back to the time when she blew her ex-bf in the back of a bar for others to see.  Then when the opportunity arises, you end up cheating on her, to get her back.  However, you’re not smooth enough to get away with it, and she somehow flips it on you and makes you feel like it’s all your fault. Had she not faltered first, things would be fine. But that’s the Jedi Mind Trick that women play.

Rule #2: Once you break up, stay broken up.  This one’s more for the ladies.  He’ll never change.  Don’t try to change him.  Just because you buy him a new sweater and khakis from J Crew, doesn’t mean he’ll stop funnelling beers and judging wet t-shirt contests in Miami while you stay back in school working on your nursing degree.  I generally see this in very attractive girls with good looking guys.  Really good looking guys know they can get hot girls when they want, so if you leave them, they don’t care.  They are shallow, and will remain shallow, snaring themselves a trophy wife, while continuing to spoof their just as hot yet twice as slutty secretary, while the wife takes care of her spoiled brats.  If you break up, whatever the reason, it’ll never change… especially if the reason is his/her mother…

Rule #3: Men (and women) are only as faithful as their options.  This is not really a rule, but an observation.  It is very difficult for a man to ignore vagina when it is on the table, served with a side no commitment.  Generally, when men stray, it’s because their current relationship is lacking something.  This goes for women too, but women are more likely to end a relationship first before straying, or are more covert in their affairs that you don’t realize it.  But for men, if an attractive woman makes a sexual advance, and the man sees his current relationship on the out, he will generally accept the proposal, mainly for the fact that the relationship’s going to end anyways, might as well end it out on a bang (pun intended).  Men: you need to realize that women do the same.  If you’re not caring, or forget to complement her enough, be wary of her male office friend who notices her new perfume.  Soon she’ll be “working long nights and weekends”, while you hang with the boys, trying to act like you’re a player.  And her office friend?  He’s hung like a horse, if you were wondering…. which leads to my last rule…

Rule #4 Do everything your partner needs (not wants, needs).  If your woman needs a hug every night, give her a damn hug.  Ladies, if your man needs you to pump his junk every week, bust out the KY and hit it hard.  Notice how I said need, not want.  Wants are material possessions, needs are the emotional bonds that make a relationship.  Communicate with your partner and find out what they need, and do your best to give it to them.  But if you’re unable to either accept short-comings, or compromise, just admit that it won’t work and go your separate ways.  Better to end it than drag it out through painful experiences that leave you with a bad taste in your mouth.

Regarding the Law of Large Numbers

Lessons That I Have Learned: Do Not Have A Girlfriend In College

I have often been asked, “If you could go back and do things different, would you?”  And the answer is “Fuck yes.”  One of the main things I would have done differently was not to have a girlfriend in college, especially one that was still in high school.  I made the mistake of falling in love with one of the first girls to familiarize herself with my junk, and I paid for it dearly.  Let me explain…

      Let me start off by saying that she was crazy…batshit crazy…. and not hot enough to warrant that level of craziness.  She would have to be hotter than Megan Fox to be that crazy.  I apparently had unlocked a subconscious chamber of secrets that created a suicidal Jekyll/Hyde that was all about my nuts.  One minute we’d be laughing on the phone, the next she ‘d have downed 30 Tylenol in an attempt to “dull the pain.”  This made giong out on the weekends extremely difficult.  She would call me at 5 am on a Sunday to tell me that I didn’t care about her.  At 5 am, I cared about nobody except getting over the SoCo-induced head-throbbing coma is was in.  No girls in my dorm would consider a hook-up with me because from 500 miles away, my “girlfriend” was cock-blocking me.  She even decided to attend college down the road from me, so we could be together.  I broke up with her a week later, and she dropped out.  Does that make me a dick? Oh well…

     Trying to maintain a girl back home and a girl in college will always backfire.  Every girlfriend back home wants to visit you in college, and when she does, she will inevitably run into your “college girl.”  Having a girlfriend in college is nothing more than a distraction from the effort you need to put into getting with other college girls.  Oh sure, the thought of consistent bed-dancing is nice, but depending on the size of your campus and your personal level of awesomeness, you should be able to score at least once a week, which is what most committed college students end up getting anyways.  The best thing to do if find a “friend-with-benefits” that does not want a relationship, but rather just to screw when the night doesn’t pan out, and won’t stalk you on IM or Facebook.  Also, college girlfriends are usually whores, but that’s for another lesson.

   Also, stay single your senior year.  For one, this allows you flexibility when you graduate to live in NYC, Boston, LA, your mom’s basement, without ridicule.  Do not, as I did, allow your “girlfriend” to convince you to live together because rent will be cheaper.  It is a lie.  It is cheaper to be single and living at home than to take the first step of moving in.  First, she will want to live in a nice apartment (about $600-700/mo), then she’ll need new furniture for the apartment, not the F&F futon you puked on junior year ($400-1500).  Don’t forget cable and internet, with HBO ($120/mo).  Now ask yourself, how much would mom and dad charge me? Exactly.  And cable is free. 

    Another reason to stay single senior year:  Freshmen girls.  Case in point:  I was taking a freshman Chemistry class for the science requirement I needed during my senior year.  In said class, was this petite brunette with a tight little behind and rockin’ boobage.  It was leaked to me through various acquiantances that  I was her “eye-candy.”  I happened to run across her at a fraternity party that I was attending with my girlfriend (gag).  While I was alone, she came up,  danced with me seductively, and said, “Too bad you have a girlfriend.”  I was a ball-hair away from breaking up with said GF right there.  Long-story short, freshman girls dig senior guys, because you can buy them Zimas, and I’ll gladly trade a six-pack of Zimas for some 18-yr old tang any day of the year.

The Beginning…

There comes a time in history when a man rises, a man so awesome that he invokes awesome-envy in his fellow man.  He has wisdom far greater than any tome ever written, and to hear him speak would bring tears of joy to the listener’s ears.  I am The Educator, and today is the beginning of the New Age of Enlightenment.  If you take heed to the stories and revelations that I have lay witness to, your life will reach a level of awesomeness that I dare say, will be legendary.  So it begins…

General Sickness

Just a little tip, if you ever feel like you are coming down with the flu because you made out with a girl who ended up getting the flu the next day, don’t tell your best friend that you are not a whore even if they call you one. This could lead to a discussion of how many girls you have slept with, and it won’t be pretty because you will end up forgetting at least two if not four of them.

The Crazy-Hot Scale

All women are crazy. I think women will be the first to admit that. However, men are willing to put up with a certain level of crazy, assuming that there is an equal amount of hotness to go with said crazy. To determine whether or not a woman is worth pursuing, you have to gauge where she stands on the Crazy-Hot Scale. If she is at least equal parts hot as she is crazy (also known as the Vicky Mendoza diagonal), then she is acceptable and you may proceed.

In my day and age, I have come across many women who fail the Crazy-Hot test. Honestly, I think that every single relationship or girl that I have been involved with has been under the Vicky Mendoza diagonal, and not in a good way. To illustrate my point, I bring you some of the more intriguing women from my sordid past. Lucky for them, I am not a malicious person and I won’t divulge their names and phone numbers. However, I will refer to them by the names that my friends and I have given to them. We have some great names for people, and typically they revolve adding the word “face” onto something that describes them. Murderface, slutface, jewface, doucheface, etc. I’m sure you get the picture.

Of course my personal favorite is Asshat. Asshat is a guy who literally wore a friend of mine’s ass for a hat in a picture because he was passed out. If you were there, you know the story.

1. The first girl you should know about is not someone that I ever hooked up with. This is of course, not for lack of trying on her part. In fact, this girl wanted me so bad that she took to sleeping with my friends as a way of trying to get with me. I shit you not. Nothing screams I want you more than knowing that a girl is sleeping with one of your best friends because she is trying to make you jealous.

   So let’s examine that Crazy-Hot Scale. The first order of business was the fact that this girl loved to drink. With her drinking, you knew that it was going to be a good night because quite frankly she lost any inhibitions at that point. I recall one night that she got so drunk she went over to a couple of my buddies’ place and started making out with this other girl on their couch. She wanted it. And she wanted it bad. That definitely put her on the good side of the diagonal. But then things started to go south. If she got pissed off for whatever reason, she would just up and leave. I don’t want to speculate on all the medications she was on and how drinking would effect them but it never was a pretty sight.

   I remember one particular night that there was a party at my house and she decided she wanted to leave and was going to drive home drunk. I tried to stop her by taking her keys and she swung at me. Yeah. That was awesome. She had a penchant for causing drama. And her biggest method of causing drama was to tell us that she was going to kill herself. Let me tell you how fun of a summer that was. Getting phone calls at three in the morning because she was depressed and wanted to kill herself. Hell, my buddy slept with her that entire summer pretty much so she wouldn’t off herself. The best thing about that? It never fucked up his game. At any rate, because of this crazy side to her, she completely failed the Crazy-Hot Scale. Anyone who threatens suicide all the time is way too crazy in my book and as such, we called her Suicideface.

2. Another prime example of a girl who fails the Crazy-Hot Scale would be a girl known to my friends as Crazy. Yes. She is actually so bat-shit crazy that we call her just Crazy. I met Crazy almost a year ago around Thanksgiving. After one night of some extensive drinking in the Irish section of town she practically begged me to take her back to my place. I feel that I am quite the Good Samaritan and I like nothing more than to feed the needy so I naturally obliged. After a couple of hot steamy hours that I, as a gentleman, can not indulge and a bit of a nap, I took her back to her friends house.Surely at this point you would think that the story would end, but this is actually where it just begins. You see, it seems that Crazy had just recently come out of a relationship and was now back on the market. She went so far as to buy my a Christmas present and invite me out to a basketball game. From here, we get the bat-shit crazy part of the story. After the basketball game, she gave me a DVD she had purchased for me. It was partially a gag gift, partially an attempt to turn me monogamous and it almost worked. In the coming weeks she went from liking me to not liking me, to getting back together with her ex to wanting to be single for a while to wanting me again to wanting this guy that she was using as a crutch while dealing with her breakup. Honestly, she had a different idea just about everyday and it got to a point where I thought she might actually have Multiple Personality Disorder. Maybe I should research that one a little more…

   Finally, I couldn’t deal with her crazy (look, I like my drama and craziness but it can get to be a little much sometimes) and it finally ended about the time that I found out that she had started dating the guy that was her crutch. I had to laugh and sort of pat him on the back because I know that when you get too closely involved with a crazy you may end up in trouble.

   So let’s fast forward from the start of January (when all of this came to a head) to July. Out of nowhere I get a message from Crazy. I actually did a double take because I didn’t recognize the number. Low and behold, it seemed that she was no longer dating that crutch and was back out having a good old time and apparently the good old time was going to be involving me. After attempting to make some plans to get together for a movie (and what I assumed would be another hot and steamy night) I could never get a commitment from her and I realized that once again she was going through her Multiple Personality problems and she was back to her old tricks. And, so with that, I decided that I was best to just leave it all alone and we should happen to both find ourselves at the same bar on a Friday night and I am trashed to the point of no longer being concerned with how far she might be over on the Crazy-hot scale, I might just have to bring her back to my place and exorcise some demons.

And so I expect that you will now be able to use the Crazy-Hot Scale to describe some of your own encounters with women. Remember, unless she is to the hot side of the Vicky Mendoza diagonal you had best run for the hills. You’d be safer walking into a femi-nazi party in the middle of their periods.

The Law of Large Numbers

Meeting girls is really about the law of large numbers. As perhaps my top wingman to date described to me once, “Yes, I may always go home with someone when we are out at the bar. But what you don’t see, is that I talk to a good 20 or 30 girls in the place and get shot down by most of them.” Yes, meeting girls is about the law of large numbers. Sure, some of you less educated readers may think that what I really mean is the law of averages. But I assure you, that it is not. Regardless, the law of large numbers is a real thing.

And as with any ridiculous law, be-it a Zion, IL law prohibiting pet owners from giving a lit cigar to their domesticated animals, or the law prohibiting men from winking at women that they are unacquainted with in Ottumwa, IA, I look for ways to bend, or even break them. In the case of the law of large numbers, I think that there is a perfect way to bend the large numbers portion of the law.

“There are four kinds of women who go to the hardware store by themselves. Single, recently single, recently divorced, lesbian who will let me watch. Sorry five. Recently widowed.”

Lets think about this for a moment. The reason that the law of large numbers works is because as your sample size grows (indiscriminate of the quality of the sample, in our case, an available cutlet) so does the probability that you will find a positive result. But, if we take into account the previous statement, we will realize that we don’t have to do as my wingman does and talk to a plethora of girls. No. all we have to do is talk to girls who are by themselves in places that would contribute them to being single.

As such, I have compiled a list of the top places to find and talk to single girls. I am certain that if you follow my guidelines as to where and when you should be going that you will find yourself a hot little number in no time.

• Hardware Store: Naturally you knew that I was going to include this location in my list. As referenced from the quote above, there are five types of girls who will be found by themselves in a hardware store. All of them are potential targets and you should approach cautiously. You never know which one you are going to get.
• Sex and the City Movie Showing: Now I know this may be a little late for some of you out there. The movie has been out for some time, but quite frankly, I wasn’t ready to give up this tasty little tip when it was getting some prime usage by yours truly. Sex and the City, or any other seemingly trashy single female movie is the perfect place to meet a girl who is just that. Female. Trashy. Single. Trust me.
• Massachusetts: While the state is quite possibly the biggest stain on this great nation since New Jersey, West Virginia, and Paris Hilton, the opportunities here are immense. In what other state in the Northeast are you able to witness a lesbian wedding and then go home with both the bride and the pseudo-groom? Without a doubt this is one of your best opportunities for riding the tricycle.
• Speed Dating Event: The epitome of desperate is a woman who has to use gimmicks and schemes, such as speed dating or match.com to find a date. While I would never attend such an event myself, what I would do is show up at the bar shortly before the event is supposed to end. While the pathetic fools who are trying to date these women will have spent a few short moments with them, you have the opportunity to stop one as they are ready to get away from all the losers that they knew they weren’t compatible with.
• Divorce Attorney’s Office: The jackpot of all places to meet a single woman. Without any doubt, you will find a single (or real close to being single) woman here. And, as long as you do your research and know just how good that attorney is, you will know the amount of her settlement. Can you say Jackpot?

Ohhhhhhhh

Yes, that was the sound of me browsing a certain social networking website the other evening. I’ve found that social networking websites are an easy way of meeting girls. I’m not sure why it is, but for some reason girls seem to be more open on those websites than a two dollar hookers legs. I don’t know if I can find an easier way of finding girls than on social networking websites.

You can browse through all the girls in your particular network and determine who you just wouldn’t be compatible.

30? Off the list.
Crazy, liberal, vegan goth? Goodbye.
Lack of tramp stamp? Cut.
Overweight? Lose her.

I’m sure you are picking up what I’m laying down. So it was the other night as I was running a quick search on a particular social networking website for girls who were single, between the ages of 18 and 29 and happened to be looking for something. I happened across an attractive blonde who seemed to fit most of the categories. I’d give her about a 7 on a scale of 10. No where near my finest score, but still would have been worth the effort of a few clicks. I zeroed in on some of her photos. A couple of tattoos here and there that just screamed total slut and I figured that this would be so simple.

And then, I had that Ohhhhhhh moment. As I was examining a photo of her tramp stamp (which was one of those awful tribal designs that only mean, “Target”), I did a double take and just went Ohhhhhhh before closing out of her page. In the background of her photo was the picture of a baby sitting in a high chair reaching out for his mother who happened to be showing off her tramp stamp for the camera.

Single mother, under the age of 30, tramp stamp, small child in the photo; total slut. She probably has daddy issues too.

Been down that road before…

A wise man once said, there are only two reasons to ever date a girl again; implants.

However, there are still some deal-breakers that you must be weary of in case said girl does in fact get implants.

• She has a kid: While her new ‘kids’ are the talk of the town, her whiney little brat is not. Nothing says ‘Goodbye’ quite like a two year old jumping on the bed in the middle of the night.
• Cuddle factor: Being that you were once in a relationship with this girl, it might seem okay to cuddle with her instead of kicking her out of your apartment. NO! On the contrary, this could not be a bigger mistake. The only thing that cuddling says is, “Do you want to sit under a blanket on the couch, watch ‘The Notebook’ and not get some?” I didn’t think so.
• She still won’t give it up: Just because the package is a couple pounds heavier, it isn’t a better package if you still can’t open it. That is like going to a bar and not being able to drink a beer; japan and not meeting some awesome stripper that is also a member of the gymnastics team; a wedding and not being able to sleep with one of the bridesmaids. You get the idea. It isn’t worth it.

So if you were thinking about getting back together with that girl simply because she has some new attributes, think again. With the number of girls who are getting implants these days, recent polls have shown that 42.3% of women between the ages of 19 and 26 have implants, you are bound to find another one who you haven’t dated before.